Lighten Up
Eliminated the Worst, Read at Your Own Risk
I've been planning to do something spontaneous. I’m writing a book about hurricanes and tornados. It’s only a draft right now. The inventor of the throat lozenge died recently. There wasn’t a cough-in. Cashew. The sound of a nut sneezing. My mom claimed I loved alphabet soup when I was little, but she was just putting words in my mouth. Bigfoot is often confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains. I just can’t believe how old people my age are. You should always keep candy in your pocket. It might be a lifesaver. I ordered 2000 pounds of Chinese soup. It was won ton. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down. I failed math so many times, ... I can’t even count. What rock group has four guys who don’t sing? Mt. Rushmore. Don’t be mad at lazy people. They didn’t do anything. Don’t be worrying about your smart phone and tv spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years. No matter how hard you push the envelope it’ll still be stationery. I went to the Zen hot dog stand, and asked them to make me one with everything. I had my patience tested. Turns out I’m negative. Some things never grow old. I just wish I were one of them. Hugh Heffner became a multi-millionaire staying home in his pajamas. It doesn’t seem to be working for me. I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work. We went to a new restaurant last night. A snippy hostess asked us if we had reservations. We said we had a few, but decided to risk it. Can anyone remember that chiropractor joke I posted last week? It needs adjustment. Juan and Amal are identical twins. Their mother only carries one photo, because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal. My goal was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go. I arrived early at the restaurant last night. The manager asked “Do you mind waiting a bit?” I said no. He said “ Good. Take these drinks to table 9.” As I put my car into reverse I thought “This takes me back.” Never trust an atom. They make up everything. |
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It's like the other vegetables aren't even trying.
“Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces,
I would still plant my apple tree.” ― Martin Luther Good timber does not grow with ease,
The stronger wind, the stronger trees, The further sky, the greater length, The more the storm, the more the strength. By sun and cold, by rain and snow, In trees and men good timbers grow. —Douglas Malloch. “It’s not a demand, it’s a suggestion without options.”
—Nancy Thane's Granddaughter Alli, to her sister It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.
—Charles Darwin “You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.”
—Winston Churchill “The problem with communication…is the illusion that it has been accomplished.”
—George Bernard Shaw “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
— Mark Twain I like your opera. I think I'll put it to music.
—Beethoven to another composer. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down the hill. Those were Goodyears.
—I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work.
—I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
—Don’t be mad at lazy people. They didn’t do anything. News Headlines: —Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use --If the Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While ------------------------------------------------ Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. —Jack Handey Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. - Margaret Mead Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles M. Schulz Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open. - Thomas DeWar "Be yourself; everyone else is taken." - Oscar Wilde "I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious." - Albert Einstein A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease. "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde ------------------------------- "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response ---------------------------------- "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912) "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx Slander and Libel
Although both of these words may betoken That adherence to truth has been broken, Remember this dictum, Should you find yourself victim, Libel is written, while slander is spoken. —Merriam-Webster |
